Special Circumstances
Cohabitation
Whether a facilitator decides to consider the topic of cohabitation with a couple is entirely up to them. As the research has developed on this topic, there are valid reasons for either approach. Many feel that since the couple has made the decision to marry, talking about cohabitation is beside the point. Others feel that it will put the engaged couple on the defensive to bring up the topic, just when we are trying to be welcoming to them.
On the other side, there are those who believe the reasons for moving from cohabitation to marriage provide clues to how well they understand the difference of the lifestyle they are now choosing, and that the couple should understand why the church does not condone living together before marriage.
Earlier research indicated that living together before marriage was high-risk behavior for marital success. More recent research has nuanced that approach. The report from the Center for Disease Control that came out in 2010 indicated that couples who lived together, if they had made the decision to marry before moving in together, had no greater probability of divorce than couples who had not lived together before marriage. So it is more important to know when in the progress of the relationship the couple moved in together than whether they moved in together.
Further research indicates the importance of knowing why they made their moving in decision. If they have moved in because they wanted to spend more time together or they found it more convenient, they are likely to have a good relationship outcome in marriage. Moving in to test their relationship is linked to more probematic things, such as relationship insecurity, more physical aggression, and more negative couple communication.
Also, cohabitation varies across people with differing educational and economic backgrounds. Poorer, less well-educated people tend to cohabit without deciding to marry first, and cohabitation is not as likely to lead to marriage.
Cohabitors with children are at greater risk. Those who have cohabited with more than one partner are also at greater risk. Females whose parents were not living together in their childhood are more likely to cohabit in a relationship not necessarily leading to marriage.
These are the most recent findings from the field of social science. Dr. James Healy, psychologist and Catholic family life minister, speaks eloquently to the church's approach in his pamphlet, "Living Together and Christian Commitment":
We in the Catholic Church believe that sexual intimacy finds its true home in marriage: a public, faithful, exclusive commitment to each other, and an equally important lifelong commitment to the children who may be created from this marriage. (p.3)
The following statements found in FACET may lend themselves to further discussion around the issue of cohabitation.
Family of Origin
Item 7: I believe my family has had a great influence on my values.
Discussion: How does your family feel about your decision to live together? How do they feel about your decision to marry? Will some kind of reconciliation be necessary between you and your parents?
Roles in Marriage
Item 13: I understand that we need to share household tasks.
Discussion: Do you feel comfortable with the sharing of household tasks presently? What changes, if any, do you see happening after you are married?Item 17: I believe that we are both responsible for running our house.
Discussion: Who is primarily responsible for the jobs in your household? Do you both work outside the home? What happens if a job doesn't get done? Do you have different definitions of what "clean" means?Item 19: I believe my future spouse does not value my contribution to our household.
Discussion: Do you feel that your partner yells or nags at you? Do you hope that things might change after you are married? How would you know if your partner appreciates your contribution to the household?—A gift? A word of thanks? An offer to do a job for you?
Budget/Finances
Item 25: I understand that differences about finances can cause stress in our relationship.
Discussion: How do you handle finances now? Do you have joint or separate bank accounts? Will that change after you are married? Are you both in agreement about budgeting and savings?Item 33: I will be honest about my financial situation and spending.
Discussion: Have you shared about your current debts and assets? Do you have a plan for paying bills?
Values
Item 37: I understand that it is important to have similar values.
Discussion: Did living together violate a value for either of you?Item 39: I understand that my life choices are based on my values.
Discussion: Did either of you feel pressure from the other to move in together? Have you talked about that? Would you make the same choice again? Would you consider a time of separation before the wedding?
Habits
Item 47: I understand physical abuse is never acceptable.
Discussion: Have you had experience with any form of abuse up to this point in your relationship? Do either of you have any reason to believe abuse (pushing, hitting, screaming) might be a problem for you?Items 51, 55: I believe it is important to be honest about habits that might affect our relationship. My future spouse has some habits that concern me.
Discussion: Recreational habits? Technology habits? Spending habits? Substance abuse habits? Anything that you didn't want to address before now should be addressed before you marry. If nothing changed in the person you plan to marry, would that be okay with you?
Work/Family Issues
Item 65: I believe we agree about how much time is required of each of us by our employer.
Discussion: Have either of you felt that the other spends too much time at work? How have you dealt with the problem? Do you see the situation changing after you are married?
Friends/Leisure
Item 70: I understand unmarried people often socialize differently from married people.
Discussion: Do you socialize more as a couple now or more as individuals? Do you see your pattern of socializing changing after you are married? After you have children?Item 77: I believe problems between spouses should not be discussed with friends.
Discussion: Do we agree that we need to discuss our issues only with each other unless we feel we need professional help? Have we operated that way thus far?Item 83: I will build joint friendships that support our marriage. Discussion: Do we currently have friends who support us as a couple?
Sexuality/Intimacy
Item 95: I will practice faithfulness, both emotional and physical.
Discussion: Are we ready to see our relationship as exclusive, both emotionally and physically?
Commitment
Item 100: I understand commitment involves choosing one person over all others.
Discussion: At what point do you think you made a commitment to each other? Before you started living together? After you moved in together?
Communication
Item 116: I believe we agree communication is important in our relationship.
Discussion: Are you happy with the level of communication in your relationship now? What areas, if any, do you think you need to work on?Item 123: I will share my concerns rather than keeping them to myself.
Discussion: Has this ever been an issue in the past for you? How have you dealt with it?
Parenting
Item 131: I understand it is important for fathers to be actively involved in the raising of their children.
Discussion: Are you bringing children into the marriage? Whose child or children?Item 137: I will discuss when we would like to start a family.
Discussion: Have you already talked about children and was that part of your decision to marry at this time?
Faith/Religion/Spirituality
Item 142: I understand religious belief strengthens marriage.
Discussion: Has the practice of religion (prayer, attending church, etc.) been part of your life together? Do you expect any changes in your religious life after you are married?
Catholic Section
Item 156: I understand what the Catholic Church teaches about the two purposes of marriage.
Discussion: Did you know that the church wants you to be companions in marriage, as well as having the experience of being parents?Items 166 and 172: I believe marriage is a sign of God's love in the world. I will model Jesus’ love in our marriage.
Discussion: Getting married in the church is a sign to others that you intend to model God's love for all of us in your love for one another. Does that feel like a privilege, or like a burden?
Convalidation
If a couple is seeking convalidation, they are asking to have their natural marriage become a sacramental one. If a couple is taking FACET, it seems likely that they have already discussed with the priest whether they need to check with the tribunal. If you have reason to believe that their marriage is a good one, then both the religion/spirituality section and the Catholic section of FACET should help them concentrate on those things that will change as they enter into a sacramental union.
In addition:
Family of Origin—Item 8: Resolving issues with my family of origin will help my marriage. Is the fact that the marriage did not take place in the Catholic church originally an issue that needs to be resolved? Will the convalidation resolve it?
Values—Items 40, 41, and 42: have to do with living out married life as a Catholic Christian couple. Having a shared spiritual life will help a couple live out their values. Giving to those less fortunate is a key value for all who belong to the church. Sharing values underlies a healthy, holy marriage.
Habits—Item 50: If there is any question about addictive habits, statement #50 should be touched on, since marrying in the church is key at this moment in time.
Sexuality/intimacy: If the couple was not prepared for a Catholic wedding, they may not be familiar with Natural Family Planning. Some information about NFP might be helpful.
Commitment—Item 108: asking God's help to keep the commitment to their spouse, might be a new notion for the convalidating couple.
Parenting—Item 141: will be pertinent if the couple has not been involved in church up to this time. Their getting married in the church may also involve having children instructed and baptized
Second Marriage
The important issues around second marriages are really twofold: first is the marriage itself, and second is the marriage in light of any children that are being brought into the marriage. The following discussion is framed in terms of a prior divorce. Where death caused the end of the first marriage several of the points will not pertain. Concerning the marriage, questions highlighted below are issues all couples will need to examine. Those couples bringing children into the marriage will necessarily also want to consider the parenting section.
In addition:
Family of Origin:
• Item 3 addresses the history of divorce in both families. You may ask the couple if any family divorces resemble their own divorce.
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• Item 9: "I need to forgive my parents for past hurts" might allow the remarrying partner to discuss family of origin as a source of the first breakup.
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• Item 12 will allow for a discussion of traditions coming from the first marriage that may or may not be carried over into this marriage. How does the other partner feel about those traditions?
Roles in Marriage
• Item 17: I believe that we are both responsible for running our house. If children are involved, what responsibility do they have for the running of the household? What responsibility does the non-biological parent have for the children?
Budget/Finances
• Item 23: There is no one right way to manage money. How will money be managed? Is child support part of the household budget?
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• Item 25: Differences about finances can cause stress in our relationship. Are there significant differences? Was that a presenting issue in the breakup of the first marriage?
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• Item 34: Important in any marriage, respect for spouse's financial concerns will be crucial in a second marriage, where there may need to be provision made for children.
Values
• Item 46: I will teach our values to our children. Does that mean I will teach my values to your children? What is the role of the stepparent here?
Work/Family issues
• Item 61: Marital difficulties can have a negative impact on work performance. Was this true for you in your last marriage? How will you guard against this kind of spillover (hopefully they will come to the agreement that they will seek help if they have issues that are affecting either one's work life)
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• Item 67: I will balance my work and family life obligations. If family life obligations involve negotiations with a former spouse, it will be necessary to carefully budget time.
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• Item 68: I will discuss with my spouse any changes in my employment that might impact our marriage. Children's ability to see the other biological parent may limit work mobility. Has this been discussed?
Friends/Leisure
• Items 76 & 77: Friends that support or impede marriage is especially important when a couple is entering a second marriage. They need support, and may have lost friends during the breakup of the first marriage. This is a good place to have them engage around their "social security" system.
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• With Item 83: "I will build joint friendships to support our marriage," it would be good to talk about what strategies can be used.
Sexuality/Intimacy
• Items 95 & 96: are aspects of intimacy that may be pertinent. If one or the other (or both) were cheated on in their first marriage, they may have some trust issues to deal with.
Commitment
• Item 105: "Marriage is for life" may present some confusion for someone who is remarrying. The emphasis is on this marriage, and on preserving and protecting the boundaries with this spouse. Hearing how the couple envisions this expectation is important.
• Item 107 is always marked for discussion no matter how the respondents answer, because it is part of understanding covenant marriage within our culture and within one's own sense of self respect.
Communication
If this was a concern in the breakup of the first marriage, the section should be considered as a topic as a whole. If not, then focusing on the future oriented statements will allow the couple to talk about how they plan to communicate in this marriage.
Parenting
Again, if the couple is bringing children into this marriage, it cannot be stressed enough how important it is to discuss attitudes around parenting.
• Item 129 is a telling statement. If either one does not think stepparenting is different from being a biological parent, they need to be led to some stepparenting resources. Even if the children seem to get along fine with the new adult before the marriage, there will be a significant period of adjustment after the marriage, and the couple's relationship will suffer if they are unaware of that fact.
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• For more information: For Those Who Are “In Step” By Nancy Landrum
Faith/Spirituality/Religion
Was faith or were spiritual differences a significant stressor in any previous relationship? Have you discussed these issues with your future spouse? Do you see faith or spirituality as a potential strength in this relationship?
Catholic Section
Was it necessary for one or both of you obtain an annulment through the Catholic Church in order to proceed with your plans to marry? Did you find this process helpful?