FACET Topics: Family of Origin

Knowing about one’s family of origin is a vital part of knowing oneself. Knowing about your partner’s family is a significant piece of knowing your partner. Both are helpful when you are entering into the committed lifelong relationship called marriage.

Family of origin is the family into which one is born. Sometimes a person does not live in this family or lives in an adoptive family. Nevertheless, we inherit many things from our family of origin, besides the obvious ones such as racial, cultural, and even physical similarities and possibly propensities toward certain illness, etc. We now know that we "inherit" a multi-generational, emotional family process, such as whether we are very anxious, or how we handle stress.

We are each shaped, in many ways, by the family we got to grow up in. So if that was not your biological family you have two strands of “origin.” You will have learned patterns from the family that raised you, and have assumptions about family life based on that history.

No one gets perfect parents.From our family we may have received either too much or too little regarding limits, supports, stories, protection and nurturance. The resulting combination of what we did or did not receive in these areas play out in our unique development. The family of origin section of FACET is intended to address the various differences within each person's background.
It is important for both parties to go into marriage with an understanding of their own family background, as well as insight regarding their perspective marriage partner's family of origin. It will be a lifelong exploration that will continue to enrich your understanding of one another.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• How does my family feel about you? How does your family feel about me? How do our families feel about the marriage?

• Where are the areas within my family of origin or yours that we must address?

• How will we handle family gatherings and family holidays, such as Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter?

• How will we handle tensions that come up in each of our families?

• What have we tried that worked? Didn’t work?

• How can we possibly be pro-active regarding identified family of origin hot spots?

• Do we have a strategy for dealing with interference from family around our child rearing?

FACET Topics: Roles in Marriage

In this 21st Century it is easy to dismiss the idea that there are set roles within a marriage. While the concept of roles has changed, most people have a notion of what they think it means to be a husband or wife. What is critical is how the couple sees it. If they both agree on who will cut the grass, who will handle the checking account, who will address the various tasks of their home, then all is good. This section is partially about the mutual giving and receiving within the relationship. There must be a sense of equity for both the husband and wife. They can form a more traditional style or they can adopt a style that appeals to them. Being clear and flexible go a long way in. this area. Things may change over the course of the marriage and roles may have to change too. The one who does the cooking now may get a job that does not allow them to be home at meal times. Illness could change the ability of one partner to do the tasks they originally agreed to be in charge of. In this section, the couple gets to investigate where they each stand on the various roles within the marriage.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• What can you do to keep a sense of fairness and balance within your role as husband and wife?

• What does your culture say about the roles of men and women?

• How would you describe the roles your parents assumed in their marriage?

• Talk about how you would negotiate changes in your roles if something came up that required a change.

FACET Topics: Budget/Finances

Finances are often the least talked about topic in a serious relationship. It can even be a topic with a lot of emotional tension that one or both parties bring into the relationship for various reasons. One may be a saver while the other is a spender. They might have accumulated some financial assets before they are married or they may have accumulated debt they are bringing into the marriage. All this needs to be addressed. This section helps the couple speak openly and honestly about their finances. Budgets can be very formal or informal. Regardless of how they choose to deal with their finances they need to be responsible and transparent. Honesty and respect for one another are key elements of a discussion regarding finance.

It maybe that one partner is better at handling money than the other. That should be seen as a relationship asset. It means that they have a skill to bring to the relationship which will help the new family reach to goals they set for themselves. Being good at handling money is a gift to be offered, not handcuffs to put on your partner.

Additional Questions:

• What am I possibly anxious about regarding our finances?

• What would make a huge difference regarding our finances if this was taken into account and acted upon?

• Do we have a way to continue the conversation about finances throughout our marriage?

• Do we anticipate interference from family around finances?

FACET Topics:Values

Making their relationship primary is a value that will be essential for a healthy and strong marriage. Hopefully, the couple holds many similar values. Even where they have dissimilar values, there will need to be some discussion where values are very different. A Venn Diagram is a good example for couples discussing values. The more you have in the area where the circles overlap the better, and the more time you spend on those things you have in common, the better.

Researchers find that the key values to be agreed upon by a couple are these six: Appreciation, Commitment, Positive communication, Enjoyable time together, Spiritual well-being, and Crisis management.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• Do you think you share the key values listed above?

• Do you believe that you have similar values?

• What do you admire about your future spouse’s values?

• Can you think of an instance where your values were tested?

FACET Topics: Habits

Habits cover a wide range of items. It might mean an occasional burp, or it could mean road rage. Some habits are destructive and will cause a marriage to crumble. This section has to do with having both parties go into the marriage with their eyes wide open. Too often a person will reason that a destructive habit, such as drug or alcohol abuse, will go away once the couple marries. Love will conquer all. This is magical thinking. In all probability it will only get worse. Counseling and other treatment programs are available and need to be considered if harmful habits are currently exhibited by one or both of the partners. You can bring up with them that some couples make an agreement to seek help if either one thinks it is necessary — a different kind of prenuptial agreement. Making that agreement when there is no presenting problem takes some of the sting out of it.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• Are there any habits that must be confronted and dealt with before you marry?

• Is there anything that needs to be watched and assessed as potentially a problem?

• What will you do if something arises in the future?

• Is there any concern around physical abuse? **If you as facilitator see signs of controlling behaviors, do you have a place to take your concerns? It is very important to have a way to share your observations with a person or agency that can help you assess them. catholicsforfamilypeace.org is a website devoted to domestic violence concerns

FACET Topics: Work/Family Issues

The world will not stop for anyone. Most of us are swamped with many things — most of them even good things. But we need to take responsibility for setting a healthy balance and making sure we keep the marriage the top priority. Eventually there will be two children and three jobs or three children and two jobs — in other words, lots that can challenge the couple — and it is up to the them to take responsibility for handling the various life obligations that will be an ongoing part of their relationship.
Many engaged and newly married couples report that even before marriage they have trouble balancing "together time" with the many other time consuming activities in their lives. Some believe that after the wedding things will "settle down" and they will have more time to spend with each other. That will only be the case if they work to make it happen.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• Do you feel you have challenges now with managing time?

• Do you have different styles when it comes to together time (e.g., one of you likes to go out while the other is a couch potato)?

• How will you achieve balance?

• What are you going to do to keep your marriage alive and vibrant?

FACET Topics: Friends/Leisure

Engaged couples do not suddenly end the friendships they had prior to marriage. They eventually find that they begin to develop mutual friends hopefully including some married friend couples. Ideally, they are to become each other's best friend. All those other friendships prior to marriage and even during marriage, have their place but the marital relationship needs to take priority. This doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have other friends; in fact, friendships can and often do support the marital relationship. It does require, though, some clear rules and boundaries agreed upon by the two of them so that friendships remain supportive, not a distraction from the marital relationship. This section looks into the healthy nature of friendships and interests. Balancing time apart and time together will be an important area of agreement or negotiation. One may want more togetherness than the other while their partner might be looking for more time apart. It is a matter of adjusting and compromising: one can give more space in order to get some closeness, while the other can give more closeness in order to get more space.
Generally speaking problems within marriage should be resolved by the couple, and privacy should always be respected. Complaining to a friend about your spouse's behavior can undermine marital unity. It also does little to resolve the issue especially if complaining to someone else is a substitute for discussing the issue directly with one’s spouse.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• Which one of you prefers more closeness, relatively speaking, than the other?

• Which one of you prefers more space?

• How can you accommodate these differing styles through your friends and interests?

• Are there friends that your partner likes who you don't like? How do you deal with that issue as a couple?

• Are there areas of your relationship that you do not wish to be shared with others?

FACET Topics: Sexuality/Intimacy

Marriage is a call to ongoing intimacy — not only sexual intimacy, but also the intentional development of emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy. Each dimension of a couple's intimacy connects with the others. So if they neglect emotional bonding or don't pay attention to each other all parts of the relationship suffer, including the physical expression of love. Although sexual intimacy is pleasurable, its importance in marriage is not just to have fun; it also strengthens the couple's bond, helping them to face the many challenges of their life together. Studies report that couples that are passionate about each other can more easily solve problems, including such things as dealing with children, extended family, and financial issues.

Sexual intimacy may come easily in earlier stages of marriage. That period is often laced with kissing and holding, loving words and deeds, romantic dinners, walks, and sharing of thoughts and feelings. Later, couples may find that part of the relationship may suffer given the rigors of a growing family. In time, they may settle for security and certainty at the cost of playfulness and passion in marriage. Sustaining physical attraction as marriage progresses takes a conscious decision to put time and effort into a dimension of your relationship. It requires setting one's spouse as the priority — before work, before cleaning, and even before kids. This means planning to find babysitters, having occasional dinners alone, going on dates, and bringing to the relationship new ways of connecting.

This section addresses the bonding power of sexual love and also how intimacy will find expression in conversation, recreation spirituality and even in crisis. By doing so they embody marriage's mystical meaning, as a source of life, liveliness, and a pathway to salvation.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• What have you gained from this section that will help in your sexuality and intimacy?

• Did your families give you different messages about sexuality?

• Do you have a similar need for romance in your relationship?

• Have you talked about how to maintain intimacy if you have to be apart?

FACET Topics: Commitment

Too many movies, love songs, and TV shows reflect the notion that love is a feeling rather than a decision. This section has to do with choosing to love even when it might be difficult. Commitment is an agreement or a pledge to do something in the future, even when we may or may not feel like doing so. Marriage represents such a commitment. We decide to love, with or without the loving feelings. What we also know about such a pledge is that when we do act based upon one's commitment we can create an atmosphere where the positive and loving feelings can more likely flourish. Scott Stanley speaks about ship captains who nailed the ship's flag to the mast so that when they were attacked they could not put up the white flag of surrender. He likens that to commitment in marriage. The commitment made on the day of the wedding is a permanent bond between husband and wife, that they will be faithful to each other and work on differences between them. The pro-active couple takes their commitment seriously and chooses to love the other daily. Couples need to look at how to be faithful in all possible ways. There are of course the obvious failures: a third party or affair. But there are also the more subtle ways, such as when one is drawn away from the relationship by the children, or one's golf game, sports team, or one's career. Choosing to be committed requires an ongoing and regular examining of how one chooses to put the relationship first. It requires faithfulness; and it may also require forgiveness when one has fallen short of this ideal.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• Do you have ideas for guarding your marital commitment?

• Is jealousy likely to be a problem in your marriage? How will you handle it?

• What are some ways to strengthen your commitment to your spouse?

• Who are your models of a strong committed marriage?

FACET Topics: Communication

"I know you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
— SOURCE UNKNOWN

At this point in FACET it has to be clear that underlying every topic is the ability to communicate effectively.. It is an important skill that the couple must continually work on throughout their marriage. This section begins by asking each person to think about what they learned in their childhood home about communication. What tools are they coming into the marriage with? Then it addresses how they think they communicate currently, what good communication consists of and what their opinions are about the need for good communication. This section hopes to raise to consciousness some unspoken beliefs each one has about how communication is handled between them, how much communication is necessary, and what each one hopes to do about couple communication going forward.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• What structures will we place within our daily/weekly lives to ensure we keep our communication open and growing?

• What helps me to communicate better?

• What makes it more difficult for me to communicate?

• How can we assist each other in our on-going commitment to communicate well?

• How does our communication pattern differ from the one each of us learned as children?

FACET Topics: Parenting

While most couples enter into marriage without children, not all do. Sometimes they are their joint children. Sometimes they are from a previous relationship. In any case, children are the largest adjustment within a marriage. In some sense it makes the marital adjustment pale in comparison. The adjustment to time, money, household tasks, and to the chance to have time alone together shifts in dramatic ways.

This section has the couple discussing the realities of their own relationship and what it entails or will entail. When to have children is often a major decision they must make. Their own family of origin can often factor into this decision. As an example, a couple where one was an only child married to someone who was the seventh child will be a couple that can have very different expectations regarding children in a marriage. Waiting to have children until the couple has a house, a swimming pool and two cars may seem on the selfish end of the spectrum, while not reflecting at all on their parental responsibilities and having as many children as they possibly can may appear irresponsible. Couples would do well to consider when to have their first child. Natural Family Planning is both a natural and effective means for both spacing and postponing the birth of a child. It is also much more than a simple birth control method. It is one that requires good communication and where both get to learn and understand the fertility cycle of the woman, which will lead the couple to a greater appreciation of each other and God's beautiful act of creation — the creation that each married couple is called to enter into and be co-creators with God.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• Have you talked about having children?

• Would you like information on NFP?

• Do you worry about interference on the part of extended family around parenting issues?

• Do you differ in your approach to child rearing? Discipline? Faith formation?

FACET Topics: Faith, Religion/Spirituality

Just as one's physical self opens up to the other in marriage, so too does one's spiritual self open up to the other. In this section the engaged couple looks at where they are presently regarding their own spirituality as well as religious faith and practice. Each couple is a mixed marriage of sorts, regardless of what their circumstances may be. In other words, each has a unique relationship with God — even two practicing Catholics. This section takes them wherever they are and asks them to investigate how they might move into a spiritual intimacy, via prayer, rituals and practices — formal and informal. They are also asked to consider the benefit of a faith community; one that will nourish their marriage and their relationship with their God.

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• What will you take away from this section that will assist you in your spiritual marital journey?

• Have you discussed how you will live out your beliefs?

• Where do you feel closest to God, in church, praying, through Scripture, serving others, in nature?

• Is this an area of conflict for you? Do you have a plan to address your differences?

FACET topics: Catholic section

andCATHOLIC SECTION
As acknowledged in the previous section, two practicing Catholics are not necessarily at the same place in their spiritual journey. This section asks the couple to look at their marriage in the light of Catholic teaching, given that at least one is Catholic and therefore having their marriage in the Catholic Church. It is important that they look at this as something that requires from each one a basic understanding of what Catholics believe, and what they especially believe regarding Catholic/Christian marriage.

This section is an opportunity to catechize the couple and help them understand the power of the Catholic theology of marriage that regards marriage as a covenant or sacrament. It is more than a contract. Instead, they need to understand that at their wedding they will become the sacramental minister to each other — thus promising that they each will become responsible to provide the other with an experience of being loved by God. This will become a reality based on how each chooses to love the other in all sorts of unselfish and generous ways. They are saying, "yes" to a future without knowing how it will unfold, but believing that by God's grace each partner promises to live it out. In our culture, this is a radical stance because we live in a world that wants to know up front and may not subscribe to a vow involving what has yet to be seen. This is a promise to live a life of extraordinary love. In doing so, the couple expresses to the world a mirroring of how God loves us all. The Catholic section is about how we bring all the previous sections together into a vision for a married couple's future and living out their lives in sacramental love. We invite them into this vocational calling from God and to witness a God who never stops loving us. (For clarification of statements 154-160 see “A Catholic Take on Marriage below. It includes citations from the Catholic Catechism to support the teachings.)

Additional Questions to assist the conversation:

• What does being married in the Catholic Church mean to you?

• Is there anything that surprised you about the Catholic understanding of marriage?
  Anything you'd like to know more about?

• Will we want to participate in a faith community?

• How can we help each other grow in our faith?

  The following is an explication of the first statement in the Catholic section. It was compiled at the request of facilitators who wanted a guide to help the engaged couples understand what was different between the culture’s understanding of marriage and the church’s understanding.

  The Catholic Take on Marriage

  The Catholic Church teaches the following things about marriage:

  (The numbered statements are excerpts from the Catholic Catechism)

  -that it is a covenant (not a contract)  A covenant relationship is one that is based on a promise of an unconditional and everlasting relationship. God established a covenant with the Israelites, and even though the people were not always faithful to God, God remained faithful to them. 1611 Seeing God’s covenant with Israel in the image of exclusive and faithful married love, the prophets prepared the Chosen People’s conscience for a deepened understanding of the unity and indissolubility of marriage.

  -that it believes in permanence.    Based on the idea of a covenant relationship, the church expects a lifelong commitment from the partners toward each other 

  1644    The love of the spouses requires, of its very nature, the unity and indissolubility of the spouses’ community of persons, which embraces their entire life: “so they are no longer two, but one flesh.”153 They “are called to grow continually in their communion through day-to-day fidelity to their marriage promise of total mutual self-giving.”

  -that it believes marriage has two purposes; to be life-giving, and to unite the couple The two purposes of marriage are equal in importance: to be united in love, and to be life-giving. Coming into marriage the partners need to be open to the possibility of having children.  1601  “The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.”

  -that it believes in faithfulness (“forsaking all others”) which we believe includes virtual others i.e., pornography Being faithful to each other, both emotionally and physically, is a part of the Catholic view of marriage. It is the choice we make entering into this union.1646  By its very nature conjugal love requires the inviolable fidelity of the spouses. This is the consequence of the gift of themselves which they make to each other. Love seeks to be definitive; it cannot be an arrangement “until further notice.” The “intimate union of marriage, as a mutual giving of two persons, and the good of the children, demands total fidelity from the spouses and requires an unbreakable union between them.”

   -that it believes it is a sacrament, a sign of God’s love in the world. A sacrament is “an outward sign, instituted by Christ to give grace”. In the sacrament of marriage, it is the husband and wife who confer the sacrament on one another.

  1131    The sacraments are efficacious signs of grace, instituted by Christ and entrusted to the Church, by which divine life is dispensed to us. The visible rites by which the sacraments are celebrated signify and make present the graces proper to each sacrament. They bear fruit in those who receive them with the required dispositions.

  -that it is a vocation - a special calling to mirror God’s love for the world and Christ’s love for the church. In this state of life we are choosing, we accept the call of God to be God’s agents of love in the world. 1603  “The intimate community of life and love which constitutes the married state has been established by the Creator and endowed by him with its own proper laws.... God himself is the author of marriage.”87 The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator.

Follow Up Questions

One of the benefits of FACET is the on-going nature of the tool. It presents the engaged couple a vehicle to discuss many areas, and provides them with practical actions that flow out of the discussions. In addition, the couple has open-ended questions that can be addressed following the initial conversations, or later on as homework in the narrative section of the answer booklet. This can even flow into their early months of marriage. When the parish provides the couples with Foundations Newsletter for Married Couples, they will get a bimonthly email that will reinforce what the learned from taking FACET.

Summarizing and Concluding with the Engaged Couple:
After you have finished reviewing each of the sections each of the sections it is helpful to de-brief with the couple as to what they think was beneficial for them. Have them talk about what they each feel they learned and what was most helpful to them.

Then you may wish to offer them some practical suggestions. You may have a formal engaged couples group ministry or program they are to attend. You may have Catholic Engaged Encounter weekends for them to participate in. You may wish to ask them to participate in a spoor couple program such as For Better and Forever. The experience of sharing with a married couple will give them insights into how to live out their married life in the context of learning more about the theory and practice of Christian marriage.

Conclude by explaining to the engaged couple what the parish community may already offer for marriage support and enrichment.

Special Circumstances

Cohabitation

Whether a facilitator decides to consider the topic of cohabitation with a couple is entirely up to them. As the research has developed on this topic, there are valid reasons for either approach. Many feel that since the couple has made the decision to marry, talking about cohabitation is beside the point. Others feel that it will put the engaged couple on the defensive to bring up the topic, just when we are trying to be welcoming to them.

On the other side, there are those who believe the reasons for moving from cohabitation to marriage provide clues to how well they understand the difference of the lifestyle they are now choosing, and that the couple should understand why the church does not condone living together before marriage.

Earlier research indicated that living together before marriage was high-risk behavior for marital success. More recent research has nuanced that approach. The report from the Center for Disease Control that came out in 2010 indicated that couples who lived together, if they had made the decision to marry before moving in together, had no greater probability of divorce than couples who had not lived together before marriage. So it is more important to know when in the progress of the relationship the couple moved in together than whether they moved in together.

Further research indicates the importance of knowing why they made their moving in decision. If they have moved in because they wanted to spend more time together or they found it more convenient, they are likely to have a good relationship outcome in marriage. Moving in to test their relationship is linked to more probematic things, such as relationship insecurity, more physical aggression, and more negative couple communication.

Also, cohabitation varies across people with differing educational and economic backgrounds. Poorer, less well-educated people tend to cohabit without deciding to marry first, and cohabitation is not as likely to lead to marriage.

Cohabitors with children are at greater risk. Those who have cohabited with more than one partner are also at greater risk. Females whose parents were not living together in their childhood are more likely to cohabit in a relationship not necessarily leading to marriage.

These are the most recent findings from the field of social science. Dr. James Healy, psychologist and Catholic family life minister, speaks eloquently to the church's approach in his pamphlet, "Living Together and Christian Commitment":

We in the Catholic Church believe that sexual intimacy finds its true home in marriage: a public, faithful, exclusive commitment to each other, and an equally important lifelong commitment to the children who may be created from this marriage. (p.3)

The following statements found in FACET may lend themselves to further discussion around the issue of cohabitation.

Family of Origin

• Item 7: I believe my family has had a great influence on my values.
  Discussion: How does your family feel about your decision to live together? How do they feel about your decision to marry? Will some kind of reconciliation be necessary between you and your parents?
  

Roles in Marriage

• Item 13: I understand that we need to share household tasks.
  Discussion: Do you feel comfortable with the sharing of household tasks presently? What changes, if any, do you see happening after you are married?
  

• Item 17: I believe that we are both responsible for running our house.
  Discussion: Who is primarily responsible for the jobs in your household? Do you both work outside the home? What happens if a job doesn't get done? Do you have different definitions of what "clean" means?
  

• Item 19: I believe my future spouse does not value my contribution to our household.
  Discussion: Do you feel that your partner yells or nags at you? Do you hope that things might change after you are married? How would you know if your partner appreciates your contribution to the household?—A gift? A word of thanks? An offer to do a job for you?
  

Budget/Finances

• Item 25: I understand that differences about finances can cause stress in our relationship.
  Discussion: How do you handle finances now? Do you have joint or separate bank accounts? Will that change after you are married? Are you both in agreement about budgeting and savings?
  

• Item 33: I will be honest about my financial situation and spending.
  Discussion: Have you shared about your current debts and assets? Do you have a plan for paying bills?

Values

• Item 37: I understand that it is important to have similar values.
  Discussion: Did living together violate a value for either of you?
  

• Item 39: I understand that my life choices are based on my values.
  Discussion: Did either of you feel pressure from the other to move in together? Have you talked about that? Would you make the same choice again? Would you consider a time of separation before the wedding?

Habits

• Item 47: I understand physical abuse is never acceptable.
  Discussion: Have you had experience with any form of abuse up to this point in your relationship? Do either of you have any reason to believe abuse (pushing, hitting, screaming) might be a problem for you?
  

• Items 51, 55: I believe it is important to be honest about habits that might affect our relationship. My future spouse has some habits that concern me.
  Discussion: Recreational habits? Technology habits? Spending habits? Substance abuse habits? Anything that you didn't want to address before now should be addressed before you marry. If nothing changed in the person you plan to marry, would that be okay with you?

Work/Family Issues

• Item 65: I believe we agree about how much time is required of each of us by our employer.
  Discussion: Have either of you felt that the other spends too much time at work? How have you dealt with the problem? Do you see the situation changing after you are married?

Friends/Leisure

• Item 70: I understand unmarried people often socialize differently from married people.
  Discussion: Do you socialize more as a couple now or more as individuals? Do you see your pattern of socializing changing after you are married? After you have children?
  

• Item 77: I believe problems between spouses should not be discussed with friends.
  Discussion: Do we agree that we need to discuss our issues only with each other unless we feel we need professional help? Have we operated that way thus far?
  

• Item 83: I will build joint friendships that support our marriage. Discussion: Do we currently have friends who support us as a couple?

Sexuality/Intimacy

• Item 95: I will practice faithfulness, both emotional and physical.
  Discussion: Are we ready to see our relationship as exclusive, both emotionally and physically?

Commitment

• Item 100: I understand commitment involves choosing one person over all others.
  Discussion: At what point do you think you made a commitment to each other? Before you started living together? After you moved in together?

Communication

• Item 116: I believe we agree communication is important in our relationship.
  Discussion: Are you happy with the level of communication in your relationship now? What areas, if any, do you think you need to work on?
  

• Item 123: I will share my concerns rather than keeping them to myself.
  Discussion: Has this ever been an issue in the past for you? How have you dealt with it?

Parenting

• Item 131: I understand it is important for fathers to be actively involved in the raising of their children.
  Discussion: Are you bringing children into the marriage? Whose child or children?
  

• Item 137: I will discuss when we would like to start a family.
  Discussion: Have you already talked about children and was that part of your decision to marry at this time?

Faith/Religion/Spirituality

• Item 142: I understand religious belief strengthens marriage.
  Discussion: Has the practice of religion (prayer, attending church, etc.) been part of your life together? Do you expect any changes in your religious life after you are married?

Catholic Section

• Item 156: I understand what the Catholic Church teaches about the two purposes of marriage.
  Discussion: Did you know that the church wants you to be companions in marriage, as well as having the experience of being parents?
  

• Items 166 and 172: I believe marriage is a sign of God's love in the world. I will model Jesus’ love in our marriage.
  Discussion: Getting married in the church is a sign to others that you intend to model God's love for all of us in your love for one another. Does that feel like a privilege, or like a burden?

Convalidation

If a couple is seeking convalidation, they are asking to have their natural marriage become a sacramental one. If a couple is taking FACET, it seems likely that they have already discussed with the priest whether they need to check with the tribunal. If you have reason to believe that their marriage is a good one, then both the religion/spirituality section and the Catholic section of FACET should help them concentrate on those things that will change as they enter into a sacramental union.

In addition:

• Family of Origin—Item 8: Resolving issues with my family of origin will help my marriage. Is the fact that the marriage did not take place in the Catholic church originally an issue that needs to be resolved? Will the convalidation resolve it?

• Values—Items 40, 41, and 42: have to do with living out married life as a Catholic Christian couple. Having a shared spiritual life will help a couple live out their values. Giving to those less fortunate is a key value for all who belong to the church. Sharing values underlies a healthy, holy marriage.

• Habits—Item 50: If there is any question about addictive habits, statement #50 should be touched on, since marrying in the church is key at this moment in time.

• Sexuality/intimacy: If the couple was not prepared for a Catholic wedding, they may not be familiar with Natural Family Planning. Some information about NFP might be helpful.

• Commitment—Item 108: asking God's help to keep the commitment to their spouse, might be a new notion for the convalidating couple.

• Parenting—Item 141: will be pertinent if the couple has not been involved in church up to this time. Their getting married in the church may also involve having children instructed and baptized

Second Marriage

If a couple is seeking convalidation, they are asking to have their natural marriage become a sacramental one. If a couple is taking FACET, it seems likely that they have already discussed with the priest whether they need to check with the tribunal. If you have reason to believe that their marriage is a good one, then both the religion/spirituality section and the Catholic section of FACET should help them concentrate on those things that will change as they enter into a sacramental union.

In addition:

• Family of Origin—Item 8: Resolving issues with my family of origin will help my marriage. Is the fact that the marriage did not take place in the Catholic church originally an issue that needs to be resolved? Will the convalidation resolve it?

• Values—Items 40, 41, and 42: have to do with living out married life as a Catholic Christian couple. Having a shared spiritual life will help a couple live out their values. Giving to those less fortunate is a key value for all who belong to the church. Sharing values underlies a healthy, holy marriage.

• Habits—Item 50: If there is any question about addictive habits, statement #50 should be touched on, since marrying in the church is key at this moment in time.

• Sexuality/intimacy: If the couple was not prepared for a Catholic wedding, they may not be familiar with Natural Family Planning. Some information about NFP might be helpful.

• Commitment—Item 108: asking God's help to keep the commitment to their spouse, might be a new notion for the convalidating couple.

• Parenting—Item 141: will be pertinent if the couple has not been involved in church up to this time. Their getting married in the church may also involve having children instructed and baptized